Healing Hurts Before It Helps

By: Jess Hall & Scott McPherson

Sometimes what we need the most is the thing we want the least. Healing, for example, sounds good in theory—until it actually starts to happen. Healing hurts before it helps. It can feel disruptive, exhausting, and awkward. But just because something is uncomfortable doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

In fact, healing from trauma almost always requires us to sit in uncomfortable spaces.

At REBOOT, we’ve seen time and time again that the road to recovery isn’t paved with comfort. It’s full of courage. It's full of moments where you want to run the other way but instead choose to stay. And often, that first brave step begins when we stop denying that anything is wrong.

The Default Response to Trauma

If you’ve ever experienced trauma—especially in high-intensity careers like combat service or first responder work—you probably recognize this pattern:

Deny
Cry
Numb
Run

This is what we call the default response to trauma. And it’s a trap.

First, we DENY.
After something painful, our brain’s instinct is to protect us. So we tell ourselves it wasn’t that bad. We downplay it. We keep moving. We try to ignore the weight we’re carrying. When someone asks how we’re doing, we throw out a quick, “I’m good,” even if we’re falling apart on the inside.

But stuffing emotions into mental boxes doesn’t make them disappear. That box isn’t airtight. It leaks.

Then we CRY.
Eventually, the lid pops off. And when it does, emotions come flooding out—often in ways we don’t expect. Maybe it’s sadness, rage, panic attacks, or shame. For many of us, the only emotion we ever learned to express was anger, so it comes out hot. We lash out. We isolate. We spiral.

And when the emotions become too much?

We NUMB.
This is where we reach for coping mechanisms—alcohol, pills, workaholism, endless scrolling, toxic relationships, compulsive behaviors—anything to avoid feeling the pain. These “painkillers” don’t solve the root problem, though. They just keep us stuck. They actually work against healing and end up creating new wounds.

Finally, we RUN.
When nothing works, we start to believe that a new job, a new relationship, a new town, a new life will fix us. We run from our past, our pain, even our purpose. And tragically, some run so far they believe the only escape is to end it all.

This cycle is all too common. But it’s not the only path.

What You Need Might Feel Uncomfortable

There’s a strange thing that happens during the healing process: often, the environments that are healthiest for us are also the ones that make us the most uncomfortable at first.

Let’s say you didn’t grow up in a loving home. Maybe you had distant or even abusive parents. If that’s your background, then walking into a friend’s house and watching them interact with their warm, nurturing family might feel… unbearable. You might feel out of place. You might even feel resentful, angry, or sad. Why didn’t you get that kind of care?

And yet, ironically, spending time around healthy families may be exactly what you need to learn what love and stability look like.

That discomfort you feel? That’s the stretching of a new muscle. It’s not rejection. It’s not confirmation that you don’t belong. It’s growth.

The same applies to relationships. If you’ve been through a toxic relationship or a divorce, it might be hard to trust anyone again. You might find yourself skeptical of couples who seem genuinely happy. You might assume they’re pretending. Why? Because when all you’ve known is dysfunction, health looks suspicious.

But we grow by exposing ourselves to new possibilities—even when they feel awkward or overwhelming. Over time, your mind begins to realize: maybe there is another way. Maybe love isn’t always manipulation. Maybe family can be safe. Maybe people can change.

Maybe you can.

Real Growth Requires Real Vulnerability

At REBOOT, we define trauma as more than just a psychological wound. It’s an intersection—where your story meets the brokenness of the world. And when that happens, you have two choices: avoid it or address it.

The path to real recovery doesn’t start with information—it starts with vulnerability.

You can’t out-think trauma. You can’t outwork it. You can’t bury it so deep it magically disappears. The only way forward is to be honest. To be human. To let someone into your pain.

That’s hard to do in a world that rewards perfection. But here’s the truth: pride locks pain in and keeps help out. And healing can’t grow in that kind of soil. At some point, we have to put our pride down and say, “I’m not okay. But I want to be.”

This is why community is so important. We need a safe space where people “get it.” Not a lecture, not a checklist, but a table where you can sit with people who’ve walked through the fire and made it out. That’s what REBOOT provides. And that’s why it works.

It’s Just One Point at a Time

You don’t have to fix everything today. You don’t even have to feel better today. You just have to take one step.

We love this reminder from tennis legend Roger Federer. Even though he won nearly 80% of his matches, he only won 54% of the points. Just a little more than half! He didn’t have to dominate every second. He just had to win one point at a time.

The same is true in healing.

You don’t need to figure it all out. Just focus on one conversation. One class. One prayer. One decision to stay instead of run. That’s all. Then do it again tomorrow.

And the next day.

And the next.

Over time, those small wins add up to major victories.

What Does “Healing” Even Look Like?

Sometimes people ask us, “What does recovery even mean? Will I ever feel like myself again?”

And the truth is… maybe not.

But that’s not a bad thing.

The goal isn’t to become the person you were before the trauma. That version of you didn’t know what you know now. You’ve been through too much to go back. But you can become a wiser, deeper, more compassionate version of yourself—one that knows how to love better, live stronger, and walk with purpose.

Healing isn’t about erasing the past. It’s about redeeming it.

And trust us, that’s possible.

It’s Okay If You’re Not Okay

Let us just say this clearly: you’re allowed to not have it all together.

If you’ve been denying, numbing, or running—we get it. You’re not broken beyond repair. You’re not weak. You’re human. And healing is still possible for you.

But it won’t happen by accident. It takes intention. It takes community. It takes time.

You don’t have to start over. Just start here.

Because the truth is this: either you deal with your trauma, or it will deal with you.

Choose healing. Even if it’s hard. Even if it hurts.

We’re with you in this.

If any part of this resonated with you, we invite you to explore a REBOOT group in your area. Whether you’ve served in combat, worked as a first responder, or experienced trauma in another form, you don’t have to walk this road alone. Start your journey at www.rebootrecovery.com.